Pressure Cooker: The American Family Experience
With too many children ending their lives, it prompted some thought about our own Acton community. Why do I think I have a right to talk about this? I am tired of suicide. I have known too many people with this is their life. I have something healthy to say.
Over time and discussing with people from other similar towns, this issue is pervasive. What are we doing that is making children see things as so hopeless and themselves so worthless. With depression rates increasing to epic levels, something is broken and we need to help these young people. And we need to help them now. Here is my take: we lack unity. On the other side of this terrible issue is beauty.
First, we need to look at the players and then the factors which influence them. Family, school, friends, screens, culture and the greater global world. So, these are the stakeholders and now we ask what is driving them? Top environmental contributors are family issues. So, with deep reflecting and understanding I want to both expose the basis for the family dark contribution with the idea that all actions are rooted in love. It is this love and need to protect through love which cause the first factor to exist: fear. Fear is pervasive now because fear forces us to pay attention. With a never ending world of media competing for our attention, they are driving more fear. So, parents are scared like heck. They are so afraid and feel so much pressure to make a child's life better that they can't but help be overwhelmed and pass this fear to the kids. The fear based on to the kids is based in competition and not falling behind. Parents used to just have kids, love, protect and feed. On the whole it was more relaxed. Now the world is pressure filled rooted in fear and the kids feel this.
Dr. Jean Twenge in her book iGens, states her research shows that kids these days are taking their time to grow-up. They are generally delaying getting their license or engaging in certain behaviors. They spend more time with families then kids in prior generations. Why? The feel pressure to grow-up and live the existence their parents do. They don't want the crap life of gerbil wheel, corporate owned and miserable existence they are witnessing. They are more idealistic. So, we have parents by words and actions conditioning their kids to fear the world. Parents are adults with income and resources. Imaging being a kid maybe with depression or self-worth limits and no resilience and this is overwhelming. In many cases, this forces parents into this great lie of having to get into the best school for even a chance of a good life. They build their kids at the expense of their their kids self-acceptance to be an external image to attract colleges. Kids feel this.
Parents. the world we grew up in has changed. Back then it is get into a company and work hard. The world has changed where like the old adage said "Do what you love and you will never work a day in your life'. Well this is true for kids now! The internet has allowed for anyone to have a global audience and to make a life and living following their passions! Imaging this is available for your kids! Of course top schools like MIT, Harvard, et al., make life easier for those who get in and through it. However, since you set the table for your kids and will pass on your hard work to them, they don't need to do anything amazing but to work at their passion and apply them with work. Parents, relax. The media is not real OR your friend. Things are never as bad as they make it. Look at lives of people. Most of it is okay. Just be okay with being okay. Breathe. Your kids will be okay! Be a loving parent because they need that now and later!
Next, control. A CEO of a 100,000 employee company who has to keep Wall Street happy and make sure his employees can earn a living has an immense amount of responsibility right? Perform poorly and lives are altered. A middle manager with a boss above them and a demanding team below them has WAY more pressure than the CEO. Why? What is the difference? Control. Control is the issue.
People who feel that they can control their path and that they can make their decisions feel less pressure. Pressure sucks and it breaks people after a while. So, your kids, our students are the middle managers in this scenario. They have the pressure of school performance from teachers and administrators, competing for a place in a college, other students who lie about their grades or talk out their butts about being accepted to amazing schools with amazing earning opportunities. Kids can't just follow passions. they have to be high-earners. This is NOT TRUE!.
Below the kids are parents with the pressures of demanding from the kids. The kids do not want to let the parents down and so they feel unrelenting pressure. Kids don't have control. They are just doing what they think smart and wise adults are helping with YET we are selling them out. Kids, you have control! It does not mean that you can just give up and flake off. It means that you can just be okay and you will be better than 99% of the people on this planet in comfort. You are okay. If you read this, bring this to your parents. Tell them if you agree or where I am wrong but tell them about this. What transition is CRITICAL here is to move your driver from external pressure motivation to your internal motivator which is your passion. What would be amazing about doing a good job.
Now we have schools contributing to this. Schools in Acton (a very nice town) are the determining factor of why so many young families live here. If the schools tank, the property values drop. Did people know this? If they just become child-centric and relax, then performance drops. When that happens, values drop, taxes increase, heads roll, identity crisis, layoffs and people leave. We are built on schools and schools have to answer the call. I have seen such sincere care about students and I have seen a check the box mentality. Schools need to know why they are. ABRHS has a great school and it is doing what it can to provide services. However what I am uncomfortable with is our community break then fix mentality. What we need to be is a well-community which focuses on drawing out intrinsic motivation rather than focus on feeding the machine.
If schools know their identity and realize that kids from our school are not getting into top schools at a level higher to justify our intensity then we can relax and focus on beauty. We have a percentage of students which should probably be in private schools which are generally higher performing. It is the job of the school to know its identity and to not let the maniacal and unhealthy perspective of top-performers have on other kids who live more balanced lives. The nature of constant comparison makes people really question and many times not like who they are. A school is there to educate and that will never change. Driving the top line to students putting out 4.0 - 5.0 GPAs are not happening in silos. Those students are broadcasting their exploits. Their fixation becomes the basis for which all kids are judging themselves.
Ever go to the beach, reveal your beach body and a physical beauty ends up being next to you? What are your responses to that? Appreciation? Insecurity? People with an over indulged body (I am a trainer as well) do this from a place of insecurity (unless it was arrived at by athletic performance). Physical appearance we all know makes nobody more valuable or important and neither does academics. What does is whether a person is kind, likable and helpful to others. Trust yourself to teach and lead through well-being. Imagine a school of authentically happy kids and not another brick in the wall.
So, if parents, kids, insecure bragging kids and people controlling our school identity can create unity, we will have something better than college resumes. We will have well-formed, strong, happy and resilient kids.